I was raised on a paddy field in a small village along with two elder brothers and twins youngest brother. It was a beautiful,peace and quiet place. As a preschooler, I often took my net along the creek to fish over the paddy field in front of our house. My parents always taught me about God and his Son Jesus, so as I walked, I would often think about God. Was He bigger than my parents? How long was forever - longer than a Sabbath morning worship?(Sabbath is Saturday)
I also did all the things that children do in a Christian home: Sabbath school, choir practice, young people’s groups, and so forth. I did them all without complaining – until I was 21 when i emigrate to somewhere far from my family which is i never leave them for about 20years.I was expecting the worst to be happen in my life through my living with mixed people and variety of attitude at the strange place which i studied.I had to leave the place but I couldn't and its took 6month to go and i need finish it.
My Heart Was Hardened
Something happened to me between my own living college. I started to get hard inside. Even my college fee is sponsored by Government, i still need a lot of money to use for my personal as the standard of leaving is high.Sometimes i need to do some overtime to cover my life expenses.I still remember i do part timer as a banquet at a football function,i got a tips about Rm200 from Indonesian VIP guest.I just taking care of their round table to serve their food and beverages.Besides the part time income which is RM5.00 for 1hour,i also get the large amount of tips which is i never get it in my whole life such like that.I feel so happy and grateful because the whole month i no need to worry about my living expenses anymore.Before long, I also was culture shocked on weekends and dropped out of college. By the time I was thinking, my behavior was such that Mom and Dad asked me to take care on myself and never doing bad. There is a lot of security in an orderly Christian home and when I was on my own, I was lost. As i was alone in the dark room,I continued to think heavily, and many nights I slept at the double bed room thinking the day of tomorrow life.Sometimes,I was too regret didn't follow my room mates to come to Safari club and enjoy.It's a night club! 1 day it's a Friday night and it's Sabbath day,I couldn't find a good reason enough to support myself for not join them, so, out of desperation, I joined and lastly ill be sitting outside telling them that ill be somewhere waiting for them and I'm stupid to be alone.I told myself,"I will never enter this place"!They're my social college mates and also my friends too and i doesn't have anyone except them.They are my friend.Even they make me enjoy and fun,sometimes they make me scared.I just remember God to keep me safe at that night while waiting for my friend out from there.I knew some of them smoking,drunken and men around them.I wish i could finish my study faster and here I come.Home safety even they are really enjoy but I'm going through my scary night on there alone that street.Lucky,God is still with me.
After six months of basic training and practical, I was posted to Selangor which is based on my own application. When you’re in your early twenties and you’re living in a place where anything goes, that's how you live.For the first time before i start my career,i am traveling alone from Genting to Bangi. Luckily, i live with my aunt which guide and support me when i am in trouble. Cheap booze and lots of different culture became my lifestyle. After 3months doing some temporary job and earned some money, I came home. The first thing I did was visit my Church as i miss so much, which is my second place of my growing part. I'm sorry for leaving and thank you for Your guidance specially when I'm in confusion.It was a long time before i could speak and right back to my life now. I was so glad to think about my future.However, it didn't take long before my life was right back where it had been before. I've been travel again for a better job and future.
A Brief Attempt at Change
About a year later, I met a man whose parent's divorce, also a heavy smoker, so my behavior didn't surprise as many of woman at my working place are doing same thing but of course I'm not .Actually, the man is introduced by my best friend forever name Celestina.I call her Tina.And i guess her recommended is better for me. Exactly true, we were soon married so i make him changed from his attitude which is i hated so much, invite him to study Sabbath day and baptist to join Seven Day Adventist.I was so touch and it's unbelievable thing happen in my life.I could not believe that i do it!This is the result of what i have done for my house and church.Now we eventually got two kids .Nothing much to story about it because i prefer it to be perfect for my life but i don't think so as no one perfect in this world.It's happen so fast and only took 1month to be related.Know each other on June 2008,engage on August 2008 and married on November 2008.Everything started in year 2008.Sometimes,it's make me feel so funny but as long as we are happy. One of the things my Mama advised me on how to work hard and saving a lot. I started my first saving when I was in my mid-twenties (basically doing when was a little kid and i was too late), and it went quite well.Money was always a problem in my life. If i were at my hometown,this is not my life.So I went to my first step.And ah!!What a disappointment.Money come,money out.That's the way my life going to be.
Even so, I made up my mind I was not going to give up and I actually started taking my kids to church. I got so religious I think even God couldn't stand me! My husband couldn't arranged his day follow his own rules instead of just follow the duty given by his in charged.Well i thought marry an army got a weekend spent time together.So for him not to react to the things I was doing.On Sabbath, just stay at home and if my husband got enough energy to drive then we travel to church which is took 1hour to reach and 1 and a half hour if the road busy.I had the chance to start a small businesses, so I did.No!It won't work.By then I had built up enough energy to doing some overtime so that I were wise with my money otherwise I wouldn't have to buy enough things for my home.I move to my husband apartment which is for government employee. I had everything that was supposed to make me happy, but was the most miserable I had to travel to my work place.
Everything Fell Apart
It was just about that time one things started to come apart. My life was a mess because of some tragedy that i can't write it here and its terrible and too pain.My finances were going down the drain because of the damn crazy people who never think of what they did to me. Even though lots of good deals came my way, I couldn't seem to keep any of the money I made.I guess it and i know it someday.I spent what ever i want to have just to make myself enjoy and fun.It's actually affected my marriage so much that I knew I had to do something.Things got to the point, that for the first time in many years,i never had such bad tragedy that could hurt me and make me as a disappointed person.God show it.I couldn't believe that someone that i really trust could treat me such like that pain.When you read this,you know who you are and what you did.Ask yourself why me and why not me doing you like what you did then you know how hurt is that.I wonder what happen if i also doing you like that.But lucky,i am not such that person.I really feel wanna die and stop my breath but someone gave me strength.No need to sad or cry.Laugh for someone that think they can do that.That was actually very hard for me to accept.I feel that my life was just a temporary happiness and i wont forget it for the rest of my life.I continued my job and it was so hard with my mind full off the bad memory and its always hunted me.I started to get revenge.Only God knew it."I'll never forgive you even i am telling you that i forgive you my friend".It is my words to you even this is not the truth as God commands 'to forgive us our debts as we forgive us our debtors".
One Sunday morning I was in bed sick and hung over. For the first time in years I prayed: "God, I have everything I want, and I'm still unhappy. There has to be more to life than this. I ask that you do whatever it takes to get me right with you. If you have to take all of this away, then do it.I'm here to tell you - God answers prayer!
Then,the next few months,it changed my life day by day.When I was home, I would stop my step into see my baby.I smile and try to forget my revenge.They were always glad to see me, and I always knew he cared about me.Is there anyone to regret their mistakes?Mistakes is mistakes and what pass is pass.When i was think it again,it is actually my fault.I forgot to continued remind them about God command.Let it be and i try to free my mind to this world alive. I believe someone can change.Even sometimes he got a confusion in this life because of convert religion,that he had something I thought I would never can fully teach them about the bible study.The fact is,where ever you are no matter which part are you,as long as we believe Him.You see, by this time I thought I was doomed to hell and there wasn't anything I could do about it.Only you,yourself and i am not such that perfect human.Who knows one day.
That Wednesday,something was happen again.By this time I was so hard to stand it, I told myself to give myself some strength apply so that my spirit and feeling will never care about it and will recover soon.The truth is i almost become damn crazy people and get really mad of somebody that really like a hell body.But I knew God loved me more.Help me!!I shouted and once again, God intervened.I really got satisfied of what i give the hell thing.Now you know who am i hey ugly heart people!!I've got to say,"damn you" and "face your life to the mirror first then guess who i am".I'm laughing really so pity of them.How ever..my life must go on.There is nothing change with me even both of them try to destroyed my happiness but sorry because they never had the chance.
My Mother's
I sold my car which i love so much and bought a new car which is more space to my two kids and after can brought my family when they are come to visit us.I am planing built a new house and that will happen in 10years more as my husband needs to end his contract as an force army.
It took me a week to take care of my newborn babies.A girl and again mother came and made some visit of my life taking care of the newborn grandchild.When everything was completed, there were only two things left: who gonna sit my baby when I'm out to work and who gonna support me when I'm out of money?
Over the next two weeks, I started to read some of the verses that i had underlined in my Bible, more out of curiosity than anything. I also began to planing some business that can be success one day in future.I remember reading a particular passage where it said that when Jesus died on the cross, He died for all of my sins: past, present, and future. I stopped. I had never heard that before. It must be a misprint, I thought. I must have read it five or six times before the lights came on and I realized that Christianity had everything to do with Christ dying for me and very little to do with being good enough.
Talk about excited! My mother willing to come back and sit my baby for a week before my mother in law take part.Forget about money to bought airline ticket.Money enough is enough.There is nothing to do with money but with money i can spend anything that i need.So many story and lesson i learned from my mother telling me the truth of this life.My mother was so great as she never miss her prayer everyday and things goes straight when she is in trouble.That was so impossible but there is possible when God are invited.Why i never listen to her since last time before i face all that horrible memories.
I got down on my knees and accepted Christ's forgiveness for my past sins and asked him to be my Savior now and in the future. For the first time in my life I felt free. I got up off my knees and was jumping up and down on my bed yelling, I'm free! I'm free!I'd like to tell you that since that time everything has been great. The truth is, my marriage still strong.For the first time I could turn to God and have peace through all of it.
I also faced the fact that I was an egoist.I was able to clean up the wreckage of my past and become free to get on with the rest of my life.God has continued to do great things in my life. I have learned to trust somebody. I need to built my family and and guide my children made a commitment to Christ.
What Will it be Like?
I sometimes wonder what it will be like to be all alone with Jesus – to sit beside a quiet stream in the mountains and ask Him all the questions I have; to stand and look into the face of the One who died for me and tell Him how much I love Him. Isn't it great that He isn't some all being but rather a real and living God we all get to spend eternity with? Can you imagine touching the Christ who died on the cross and rose again? To never wonder again: Was that God talking or was it just me?
I know there have been very few changes in my life that mother has made. Everything that has changed in my life has come about when I've surrendered to God by the power of His Holy Spirit. He has made the changes, and He’s still doing it. I'm so thankful for a Christian Mom and Dad that never gave up on me. When I want to judge my own children, I’m often reminded of my Dad and how he loved me unconditionally. The Bible says,
"If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?" (Matthew 7:11, emphasis mine).
Where this journey leads me is truly in the hands of God. I just ask for His mercy and grace to accept all He has for me.
You Can Have it Too!
If you’re reading this and have yet to invite Jesus to be your Savior, there will never be a better day than today. It's just as easy and as free as it was for me back in that memory. There's no magic in any particular words, but if God is speaking to you, don't wait. Don't harden your heart one more time.
If there's unforgiveness in your heart, deal with it. Don't wait. You can walk in freedom and it’s wonderful. Ask God to show you if there's anything you need to deal with and then ask Him for the courage to deal with it. He’ll give it to you. He is always faithful.
~~~~~~~~~~
What about you? Are you wondering what life is all about? Do you, like Them, feel that something is missing in your life? If so, you can find fulfillment and peace through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
The Bible says (Jesus is speaking),
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him" (Revelation 3.20).
Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting Christ to come into our lives to forgive us of our sins and to make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of our will.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know You personally. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to You and ask You to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.
If you prayed today and asked Jesus Christ to come into your life and take control, we would love to hear from you.
